Son of a Legend, Heart of a Slacker
by SonicBlade
Summary: Also known as The Worst CT Fanfic Ever. As we all know, Crono is the famous Hero of Time. So what will he do when his son turns out to be a pathetic, lazy bum? A parody of my real fic, Son of a Legend, Heart of a Killer.
1. Crono and the Crown...Crown Royal Beer, ...

Son of a Legend, Heart of a SLACKER

Son of a Legend, Heart of a _SLACKER_

Michael Collins

Note: This is, in a way, a parody of my long CT fic, titled Son of a Legend, Heart of a Killer.However, nothing ties these two together besides my warped imagination.This is just a view into what would happen if the son of the Hero of Time decided that he would rather sleep than save the future.Immense stupidity imminent.You have been warned.

"Crono!"

"Crono!"

"Crono!"

_'Ah shit.My head hurts like hell.Shoulda laid off the booze last night.Aw…'_

_ _

"CronoCronoCronoCronoCronoCronoCronoCronoCronoCrono CronoCronoCronoCronoCronoCronoCronoCronoCronoCronoCronoCrono CronoCronoCronoCronoCrono CRONO!!!"

"Damnit, woman, I'm up, I'm up!!!"

Despite his words, however, Crono was _not_ up.He did not get out of bed for another fifteen minutes.Marle had to come back and yell at him again, which she was not too happy about.

"I said _Get Up_ you booze-headed mofo!Come on!"

'So much for fairy-tale marriages,' thought Crono.'Some things can't be solved with a quick Luminaire…like PMS, for example.'

He got out of bed, looked around.Guardia Castle was quiet, and the light in his window was dim.So was the light in his brain.He'd gotten dead drunk with the Chancellor last night, and now he had the hangover from hell—not to mention that he was missing a few hours of treasured sleep.Crono was not very cheery right at that moment.

"What're you getting me up for?" grumbled Crono, pushing his fingers through his graying hair.He paused."Don't tell me you want some, I'm hungover and I'm not in the mood."

"You stupid oaf," Marle slapped the back of his head."You forgot, didn't you?"

Crono cussed her out in his head as he tried:"Our anniversary?Your birthday?Uh…" Crono's head hurt too much to think about it too hard.

"Ah, why do I always have to keep up with things?Why the hell did I marry you, anyway?"

"My charm, good looks, sensitivity, and, uh, I'm a good lay, maybe?"

"Maybe I was on something at the time.I don't remember."

"Really."

"Anyways, the reason I got you up, since you don't remember, is that today is our son's first day at school."

"So…big deal.He'll show up, he'll piss off everyone, he'll come back—"

"You're supposed to take him, smartass."

"Huh?"

"Do I have to explain _everything?!_"

"I'm hungover, okay?I need my sleep!And anyway, I think I have short term amnesia or something."

Marle muttered something about 'short', but he couldn't hear what she said.

"…Your son is going to school, which is in Truce.He has to go through Guardia Forest, which is full of things that want to eat him.So he needs you to take him through!"

'Aw, shit.'Crono felt like telling her to screw off and just going back to sleep.

"Marle, _dearest, _the kid is _seventeen!!_He can fend for himself.He's got a sword."

"Okay, let's put it this way.In a match between our son and Gato, who would win?"

"Gato," it took Crono five point three milliseconds to answer.Their son wasn't renowned for his fighting technique.Actually, he wasn't renowned for anything except his bizarre ability to sleep twenty four hours a day through the loudest noise possible.That, and his ability to make people want to kill him.

"Okay.So go."

'Women,' thought Crono.'Can't argue with them.Can't live with 'em, can't live…well, you could live without them, but you'd have to live with a bunch of queer people, and that wouldn't be any fun either.'

He got dressed and left the room.

ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF SON OF A LEGEND, HEART OF A SLACKER:

Crono and Marle's son ventures quasi-bravely through the Guardia Forest!But can he defend himself against the endless bitching of his father?And how many times will Crono hurl on the way?To Be Continued!  
  
CREDITS:Thanx to Jalhar for the correct spelling of 'Renowned.'J/-\|_ |-| /-\ |2R0XX0R J00!!!111111


	2. Shit!!!---Akes in the Guardia Forest

Son of a Legend, Heart of a Slacker

Son of a Legend, Heart of a Slacker

Part II!

Ainus stared at the mirror on his dresser sullenly, trying to comb out his horrific hair.He had red hair, like his father's, but instead of sticking out in spikes like he would have liked (it was a popular style nowadays) it had always, somehow, resembled an afro.A very puffy afro.A very _queer_ afro.

'Who gives a shit,' he thought to himself as he yawned, his mouth opening so wide that if a Poly had rolled down his throat he wouldn't have noticed.'It's not like I'm gonna pick up any girls anyway.'

He was interrupted by the hunched form of his father coming into the room.

Crono held onto the doorframe, looking down at the floor.

"Ah, shit, I think I'm gonna….urg, get me a trash can!!"

Ainus yawned, walked slowly to the other side of his nice Guardia Castle room, and lazily picked up his trash can.He heard spitting and turned around.

"Nevermind…urg…."Crono gripped his head."Shit.Just come on, come on, your mom will clean it up," he said, motioning at the green on the floor.

Ainus started to walk to the door.

"And get your bag, dumbass!…And your sword.I'm not gonna…urg…do this every day, you gotta grow up and be a man, you know, you're twenty-one now—"

"Seventeen."

"…You gotta grow up, you're…urg…um, sixteen now—"

"Seventeen."

"…Whatever.You're _older_ now, and it's time for you to get out on your own and defend yourself.Now get your sword!I didn't buy that thing to pretty up the damn wall."

"But it's heavy."

"Pansy.Pick it up."

Ainus couldn't argue.Or, rather, didn't feel like bothering to argue at the moment.He yawned, walked slowly over to the sword mounted on the wall, got it down, staggered a moment, and walked back.

"Let's go.And I don't want to hear any whining from you."

"Whatever."

"Yeah, that's right."

***

Guardia Forest in the morning.Rustle of leaves in the wind, birds chirping, crinkle of grass under feet, random hurling from Crono—and then, a screech!!

"Shit!!!" yelled Ainus, jumping backwards.

"What the hell did you just say?!!" said Crono.

  
"Uh, Shitake!!"

Luckily enough for him, it was just that:A foul man-eating mushroom that had spawned many 'shroom jokes in schools around the world.It was said that if you killed one and ate it you'd get higher than the Epoch hooked to a nuclear reactor.Now the phrase 'Give me some of that shit'had double meanings.Other legends had arisen from the name;However, Ainus was more worried about getting eaten than seeing what the thing tasted like himself.

Out of reflex, Crono drew his sword and stabbed the thing to death with ease.

Ainus was silent for a moment.Relief.

"…Well now," said Ainus, "That was less dangerous than I thought."Crono's reply was not what he expected.

"Urg…oh….aw…Shit, no more Crown Royal for me…"Crono clutched his stomach, put his hand to his head, and fainted right before Ainus's feet.This was very unsettling to the boy, who had just noticed three more mushroom monsters coming toward him.

"Uh…dad?Dad!"Ainus kicked his father in the head, rather hard, he thought, but no response."Man, he must have popped a dozen last night…"He looked at the other Shitakes.

"Uh, nice, there, now…don't hurt me…um, you're more afraid of me than I am of you…right?!"

Apparently not.They came forward.They snarled.They pounced.

IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF SON OF A LEGEND, HEART OF A SLACKER:

Ainus fights three weak, weak, weak Shitakes!But can he fend them off by himself, or will he go running off to his mother like the wuss he truly is?Find out in the next episode!!


	3. Wow, You Just Saved My Ainus!!

Son of a Legend, Heart of a Slacker

Son of a Legend, Heart of a Slacker

Part III!

"ARGH!!"

The three plant-animals were on him.Crono was lying beside him in a drunken faint, and Ainus didn't know what to do.

The Shitakes snarled.The closest one to him, which happened to be about an inch from his face, slashed at him.Yelling, Ainus kicked it in the middle of its stomach and jumped up to his feet.

'Hey, that was pretty easy,' he thought.

Ainus then felt the first dash of what is fearfully known in the Adventurer's Circle as Reckless Courage.This, as we all know, is extremely dangerous, even in small quantities.However, when contracted by amatuers or weaklings (or people named Ainus, with whom the terms were synonymous), Reckless Courage oftentimes turned out to be fatal.Unfortunately, Ainus did not know this.

"Eat this, 'shroom-boys!" Ainus shouted heroically (at least, it would have been heroic if his voice hadn't squeaked at that moment).Jumping into what resembled a fighting stance, he strained and lifted his sword from its sheath.Bringing the sword over his head, he prepared for his ultimate sword tech—the only one he knew.He'd developed and named it himself.He wasn't sure what it all meant, but was sure it was impressive.

"_ULTIMATE DEATH STRIKE AWESOME SWORD TECHNIQUE SKILL ABILITY LEVEL 1:_**QUASI**-MONO-**SUB**-MINI-**SLASH**!!!AAAAAAAARGH!!!"

Ainus charged, his sword slicing through the air.

Unfortunately, he took so long with the name of the tech that the creature had dodged out of the way.Ainus charged past the monster, past Crono's lying form, past the entire scuffle, and ended up with his sword buried halfway into the edge of a tree.

"Damn!"

He tugged as hard as he could, which wasn't all that hard, but the sword would not budge.Giving up, he left it there and span around.The monsters were right in front of him.

Reckless Courage is very easy to contract, but also easy to cure:a healthy dose of Sobering Reality usually does the trick.It worked wonders on Ainus.

"Oh, I am _screwed!!_Help!Help!Heeeeeeeeeeelp!!"

Help was not coming, however, and Crono was not about to wake up.Ainus wondered what would happen to Crono if Ainus himself was eaten.He decided that he didn't care.If Crono got eaten, at least he'd be in a drunken stupor;Ainus was awake and very, very sober at the moment.He watched one of the 'shrooms open its mouth:It was a large, gaping, slobbery, well-fanged hole.It looked like an uncomfortable place to be in.Ainus was overcome.

"I don't want to die!!!"

The monsters were so close, so close….

A flash.A flaming heat.A wetting of Ainus's pants.

The monsters were suddenly far away.Actually, the scattered, charred parts of the monsters were far away.

Ainus breathed."Gah!!Gah!!Wha…what happened?What's this…ah, shit.Wet myself.AGAIN."

"Really now."

"Huh?!!"

Ainus turned around and looked into the sparkling eyes of the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.And he'd seen quite a few when he discovered his dad's secret collection of nudie magazines. _Royal Sluts, Guardia Gulpers…_ooh, and _The Truce Tumblers._Her eyes were bright blue, her hair was bright purple, tied up in a bright white bow, and her breasts were…showing.Quite a lot, actually.He felt something dimunitive stir in his pants.

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone."

Ainus remembered where he was again."What?!I mean, uh, hello, sweetums."_Sweetums.Damn.What a dumbass._

"Don't call me that.Stupid way to pay me back for saving your life."

"You—"  
  
"Yeah.Quick fire spell finished them off.You must be a wussus maximus if you can't even beat a Shit 'Shroom."

"Uh—"

"Yeah, that's what I thought.You need some serious training."

"Yeah, I—"

"Well, what's your name, loser?"

"Um, it's Ainus."

She seemed like she was about to slap him at first.Then she looked at him again, saw he was serious, and started laughing like Magus had that time he flew in to see how Ainus was growing.It wasn't pleasant laughter, and it wasn't funny laughter.Not to him, anyway.

"What's wrong with that?!" he demanded. 

"Your name—" she said between gasps of breaths, "—Is…Ainus!_AINUS!!_Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!"

"Ainus happens to be a majestic name!In Old Guardian it means…well, I forget what it means.But there's nothing wrong with it!!"

"Yeah, yeah, sure, kid.Must've had some mean parents."  
  
"Well, what's your name, then?"

"Ah, well…"

"Come on, let's hear it!"

"It's Ashtear.Mother kept her maiden name when she married my father, Fritz."

"No," he said, realizing that this was Lucca's kid, the one he had met when he was four or so.He still didn't remember her name, though."Your first name."

"Um…"The smartassed girl was finally silent.

"Come on!!"

"It's Fruitz!!" she blurted."There, are you happy now!?Go ahead, laugh at me!!After I saved your life."

Ainus took her up on her offer.

IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF SON OF A LEGEND, HEART OF A SLACKER:

Ainus survived with the help of the mysterious girl Fruitz.Crono's still in a faint, and Ainus still has to go to school…lucky for him, Fruitz is going too!But what will happen there?And will Ainus ever declare his attraction to her?Yeah.Right.

CREDITS:Thanx to Jalhar for a few ideas.


End file.
